I was scared of 21 because I really did think it was the age you're actually an adult.  So like, I didn't enjoy falling today, but it was a little bit of a relief, because if I'm 21 and I still have to have the same experiences I had when I was 5 (even the sucky ones), then maybe childhood and adulthood are not mutually exclusive.

march:
1. we used to be friends - the dandy warhols
2. stand back - stevie nicks
3. let it bleed - rolling stones
4. sister golden hair - america
5. lounge act - nirvana
6. country road - james taylor
7. better version of me - fiona apple
8. spirit in the night - bruce springsteen
9. call your girlfriend - robyn
10. see no evil - television
11. none of dem - robyn ft. royksopp
12. shiny happy people - r.e.m.
13. my back pages - bob dylan
14. sleep to dream - fiona apple
15. summertime - girls
16. calling old friends - defiance, ohio
17. never said - liz phair
18. harvest moon - neil young
19. kiss the bottle - jawbreaker
20. falling down - scarlett johansson ft. david bowie
21. kill the director - the wombats
22. gloria - patti smith
23. the world has turned and left me here - weezer
24. idiot heart - rubdown
25. queen bitch - david bowie
26. golden age - tv on the radio
27. stereo - pavement
28. dilaudid - the mountain goats
29. apartment story - the national
30. m79 - vampire weekend
31. acid tongue - jenny lewis
32. cotton - the mountain goats
33. campus - vampire weekend
34. brainy - the national
35. fly - nick drake
36. california waiting - kings of leon
37. lullabies - defiance, ohio
38. lady stardust - david bowie

a little bit closer

idk why this happened

things:

I just stayed up all night drinking chocolate silk and chai.  Insomnia's been out of control this week and I kind of love it because I feel insane and like my heart might explode, but I feel alive?  Or something?

I miss taking pictures of every stupid thing and writing down every detail like it matters.  (So that's where this is coming from.)

I need to make more friends here, people that will go on adventures and explore buildings and sneak onto rooftops with me and do all the dumb stuff I'm nearly too old to do.

I want to dye my hair purple without anyone calling it an identity crisis.

This weekend is gonna be making valentines and Buckeyethon and ice cream and I'm excited.

It's snowing but I got spring fever

"The more [things] you make, the more you learn." - Honey

thing I wrote about my mom on NYTimes Magazine's website

I'm finding that when I actually know what I want and believe I can do it, not much can get in my way.  People are persuadable and sometimes even willing to help.  It's all that Alchemist universe-conspiring crap that I believe in hopelessly.  So many little moments have struck me lately, serendipitous coincidence things, and I keep believing they have meaning and calling them signs.

winter was so happy and magic for a while

Thanksgiving Break

Everything, all at once

I think this album sounds all at once like summer and winter and the sea, which is always changing but the same from season to season, and today it's making me feel like I can have summer light and freedom and happiness even when the outside starts to freeze.

and her heart is full and hollow

Joni has this amazing capacity for embodying so many emotions and viewpoints simultaneously, like how she can look at everything through the lenses of before and after in Both Sides, Now, and in this song it's two ends of the spectrum: full and hollow, and red and green in Marcie, and all the mentions of seasons turning in Marcie and obviously the Circle Game but lots of her other songs, too.  She's just everything.  The full range of feelings.  Is that not what life is about?

So, this is my life.  And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and still trying to figure out how that could be.

Thursday I reread the Perks of Being a Wallflower (except for the last few pages).  It's been five years.  I didn't remember how much it affected me.  How much I identify with Charlie.  We went to the midnight premiere of the movie that night and...there aren't words.  It was perfect.  I sound ridiculous and I'm attaching too much meaning to this but I kind of don't care, soaking in every frame of that movie was life-changing and just dfskjfdsjkjla love, love, love.

source

Cashiers always feel the need to comment when my purchases are contradictory; today it was gushers versus vegetables.  I am an amalgam of a five-year-old, candy and stupid games and fairytales and doodles and dreams, and an eighty-year-old, books and tea and knitting and crossword puzzles and memories, trying to figure out what it means to be twenty.